Blogging again? what would it be like to start blogging again. In this day and age of Facebook... it seems almost unnecessary to blog to stay connected to family and friends. However I think Facebook is coming to a point, well at least for me where I feel like as much as I can see what my "friends" are doing... I am not sure if it is a great way to communicate my true thoughts. I like the idea of trying to blog again, in effort to journal. I also like that I haven't been blogging now for so long... I am pretty sure no one will even remember who I am or my ramblings of sort. I have felt the desire of late. ... I am going to ponder this a bit more and who knows... I just might be back. Thank you blogspot for holding my little place in cyber space. .... until we meet again.... C:

Good-Bye Little Critter... Thank you for the gift.

Shortly after arriving to work the other day I got a phone call from my husband telling me that my daughter's hamster was dying. I asked him "Why?" and at that point I could clearly tell this was affecting him more than just him calling to inform me of what was happening. It isn't often you hear a grown man choke up. It made my heart fall to my feet. He said he didn't know why this little critter was going… but that it was very traumatic for both him and Gabby.

From what I could gather she went to get him out of his cage to pet, love, play and feed him this morning, as she usually does before school and he was gasping to take a breath. She held him as he was dying for about 40 minutes sobbing until him finally did die. Dave stayed with her the whole time, trying to comfort her. What a loving father she has, a man who was late to work, who sat with his daughter as he watched and prayed with her as she cared for her pet in the last few minute while death took over it. After he passed, they both found a box from my craft room to put him in and proceeded to lay him to rest in our back yard.

Gabby has always had a special kind of love for animals. She got her first hamster when she was five. She took such good care of it. She took responsibility very serious. She spent time with it every day—hours.

She has lost several hamsters in her short life… each one very unique and special. It is obvious it breaks her heart each time, but at the same time she is learning so many valuable things through the entire process. She is learning how to care for a living thing in all aspects. In the past she has spent her own money on toy's, bedding, food, bed's, and even a new cage.
She has been very dedicated to her special friends.

After everything was done… she still had to go on with her day, she had to go to school and Dave had to go to work. It was a devastating morning for both of them. I knew the day was going to be hard enough and to come home alone would have broken my heart for her even more… I arranged to take off early in the afternoon to be home with her after school. She was already home when I arrived. I walked in and the tears welled in her eyes, dripping down her cheeks.
She told me that kids at school didn't want to talk to her after she had told them her hamster had died. They laughed at her and said it was just a stupid hamster. She had several people tell her that she looked awful. (Well, yeah… she spent the morning crying!) She was broken, hurt and engulfed in loss and grief.
I realize to the masses this was nothing but a glorified rat, but to my sweet little girl this was one of her best friends. She spent time with it every day. Loved on it, cuddled with it, cleaned it and took very good care of it. I had the opportunity to talk with her about how people can be so insensitive and uncaring… especially in Junior High. We sat on the couch together and she cried and cried. I held her for more than an hour… just letting her cry and yell, be hurt and frustrated. As I comforted her I realized that God had given me such a wonderful gift through this experience. He had given me the opportunity to be there for her. To give her that nice big soft place to fall. As I sat there with her feeling her pain a great sense of Joy swept through me. It felt warm and peaceful. I wiped her tears and validated her loss. I had the chance to tell her that I was there for her and would always be. It is an experience I will hold in my heart for the rest of my life.

Movie Review

Recently we signed up for NetFix that streams movies right to our television.
I haven't ever been a television watcher per say, but lately we have been watching a lot of movies.

The other night we watched Spit Fire Grill.

The movie was about a girl in prison and upon her release she moved to a tiny little town into an old diner with an old lady who had been in this town for her whole life. I won't go into much more of the plot but I will say it was a worth while couple of hours of television view pleasure.

I know your probably thinking- not much of an actual movie review.
Hell who knows who might actually read this.
So I will just continue and see where this takes me...

What I really wanted to write about is a statement made in the movie that hit me in a profound way. One of those ah ha moments when you hear or see something and you know you will remember it for the rest of your life or at least it made a very important impression worth noting to ponder on for a while.

In the movie the girl was confessing to what she had been in prison for and she said-

"Do you think healing from deep wounds, can cause as much pain as the wound itself."

It may be para phrased, but it is the best of my instant recall.
Regardless of the accuracy of the statement, this struck me in a way that felt like a piece life's puzzle had been revealed.

We all have traumatic things happen to us during out life time. We have hurts that cause scars on our hearts- it is one of the very reasons we are human- the human experience to love and be hurt, to trust and fail or be failed, to believe and than realize.

What never really occurred to me was the reality of the pain during process of healing. I think on a superficial level I realized this concept. But never saw it as part of my own personal journey. I don't think I allowed myself that understanding. I think I thought the healing had stopped or was over during times of pain. I didn't connect the pain as part of growth. I know to some this might seem like a simple equation. Probably what the truth or realization in this for me would be giving myself the permission and acknowledgement for healing to begin with.

It is interesting how situations in life can be so incredibly devastating. The human spirit will relive the experience throughout the entire process... through healing and sometimes true acceptance can be agonizing and joyful in the same moment.

For now I will continue to ponder on this.

I don't care anymore!

Over the past several years I have come to a point where I really don't care anymore what people think of me. I didn't come to this point by a hard ass attitude where I think I can act however I want without remorse for misdeeds or unkindness on my part. I am not giving myself permission or freedom to hurt someone or if I act like an ass. It is more referring to people that think they know me and have an opinion about me that isn't accurate.
I used to worry about this all the time. No one wants someone to think bad about them. I used to go out of my way to make nice in hope to change perceptions.
However, I have learned once someone has a certain opinion about you… there is little you can do to change their mind… no matter what you do; they still have the underlining thought of what they think they know of you.
I have also learned unfortunately that one's negative influence can be stronger than simple truth. This isn't a revelation or decision I have come to over night.
It has been a life long journey to accept me for who I am, which I am still in the process of doing. I have had the opportunity on many occasions, much like most anyone else that puts them out there to learn this lesson over and over and over again.
I was involved in a situation several years ago where my character was attacked and my words were twisted and my actions were misinterpreted… which left a group of people with a seriously bad taste of who I was. I was frustrated and hurt by this for much longer than I should have allowed myself to be. I tried over a period of time to mend things between many of those involved. During this time I learned many truths about the people involved and about myself. I had to step back and take a good hard look at what I would gain from putting energy into righting a wrong that wasn't even mine to right. I still wonder why from time to time it seemed so important when none of these people really cared, they had already formed their opinions and most of them had each other to feed off of. I suppose I was trying to make it right for me… when really what I needed to do is let it go and realize it didn't matter what they thought of me. I no longer had to associate with any of them and yet at the time I remember being so frustrated. I received some of the best advice during this time… "It is none of my business what other people think of me." At first I didn't understand this statement… however over time it became very clear… Unless I choose to have a vested interest in perusing a friendship of sorts with these people, it really was none of my business what they thought of me. They were judging me based on their perception of only a small part of what they thought they knew. I also realized I was judging myself too. I was allowing the negative rumors to seep into how I saw myself. I was trying so hard to change a situation that I had no control over. Now today, I could care less what any of them think of me. None of them know me. Today I am grateful for this lesson… as none of them deserve my time, energy or friendship.

Rant!

McDonalds I am so disappointed in you.
Not only because of the awful food you serve every day… but because in this world of innovation where you… "being the KING (no pun intended) of fast-food" have yet to figure out how to mix drinks!?
Really!! You have got to be kidding me!

Today, this morning… I decided against my better judgment to use your drive thru to grab a quick breakfast bite and drink on my way to work. I usually swear off eating your food for weeks at a time after I visit … this time I think you may have cut our ties completely.

I went thru your drive-thru for a sausage McMuffin and a drink – Specifically I wanted my special Diet Coke with a quick splash of root beer. I proceeded to wait behind the car in front of me patiently as they ordered and once it was my turn… I made my order and I was promptly told by the guy taking my order that I could not have my Diet Coke the way I wanted it.
Excuse me?
What? Umm hello … but that is what I want, that is how I like it… please can you just put a splash of root beer in it for me.
His answer… "No we can't do that."
"No?... You're joking me right?"
"No, we can't do that… the drink machine we have won't let us."
I was sure he was mistaken…so I repeated that I just wanted a pssht of root beer, nothing big… just a bit of flavor.
He once again repeated that he could not do that?
"Umm… Ok, are you serious"?
It. Is. Friggin. Early. And. I. need. My. Caffeine.
(Dude…Just give me my Diet Coke with a splash of root beer and no one has to get upset… life will go on.)
Now he says… "Yeah, our machine won't let us do that."
(^%*(^&%(*(&^@ That is me in my head I was cursing him!)
Clearly I am disturbed at all of this.
On the outside I'm trying to stay calm, in my head where I think… I am thinking about how incredibly stupid it is that our world can be shoved into conformity because of some stupid machine that obviously took some ones job away and now I can't have my Diet Coke with a splash of root beer.

McDonalds… You are supposed to be a leader of innovation in the fast food world… how could you have sunk so low? I get it we all have to cut corners here and there… but doesn't your business rely on serving customers what they want? If I were to order my sausage McMuffin with no cheese you wouldn't tell me "No, our machine doesn't make it that way"… the kid flippin my sausage would just slid it on the toasted English muffin with no cheese!?!? I definitely understand now why your moto isn't "have it your way"… maybe you are NOT the KING.
Honestly I was shocked. Maybe I am the only weirdo that likes to mix my drinks. Sonic will mix anything in your drink for an additional ten cents! Also, what happen to the self serve machines in the lobby? Can you not simply walk out to the lobby and pssht some root beer in my drink just to make me happy at this ungodly hour that I have to be out in the cold!? Do you simply not care any more? Have you gotten so cocky in your steed as the king of fast food that you no longer care about the little details in life!?

For a moment I thought about telling the guy to just forget it… to take his machine and my sausage McMuffin and stick it up your (BEEP). While at the same time glancing down at my clock… which indicated that I needed to be at work in less than ten minutes.
"Ok, fine… just give me a Diet Dr. Pepper… even though that is REALLY NOT what I want!" The cashier didn't even bat an eye… not caring in the least that I was settling for less than what I actually wanted.
I proceeded to pay and wait for my order.
I realize my little drama won't cause McDonalds to shrivel up and die. I don't think I will be back any time soon. I will go where I can have mixed drinks the way I want them.
In the mean time Mr. McDonalds… I definitely suggest that you hire someone that can figure out how to make the drink machine obey… not just dispense single flavored beverages!

My J O B!

I am working in the medical field.
I never thought I would be working in the medical field.
It is so incredibly different than any thing else I have ever done or ever thought I wanted to do. I have been with this company for 20 months.
The first 16 months I worked in what I will forever refer to as HELL!
It was awful! The ONLY reason I stayed at the time was simply because I had to. I had no other choice… I had to have a job… and for as awful as it was… It brought home a steady pay check… and a fairly decent wage. I knew within about 6 weeks of working at this particular place that it was not for me.
I can't even begin to describe the environment. I tried many different approaches to finding my nitch. I went to my supervisor on numerous occasions and asked for help with the situation and finally after 8 months I was at the end of my rope.
I couldn't quit with out another job in place... so I started looking for work.
Which in this climate… well, I was one of how many others looking for work!?
I was lucky to score a few interviews… but nothing compared money wise as the job I already had in hell.
During this time I was so sad, every day was a nightmare, every day I either cried or felt like crying. Everday I became more shell shocked by the way I was treated.
I put in for a transfer in February 2010.
The transfer was finally approved three months later and then the hiring process to fill my position was underway. The position was offered to two different people… one gal actually accepted! I was thrilled... but this new development that put me a little closer to getting out of this place was short lived... this new gal worked a week and quit! The second offer was declined immediately. Things that make you go... hmmm.... Finally after 6 months someone was hired and I spent 5 weeks training this new employee.
My transfer was finally going to happen! We had a date in place... I was thrilled!!!! This new job involved a commute of 40 minutes both to and from work…
The drive was a welcome change to the nightmare I faced each day with only a 10 minute drive to work. AND I also landed a 4 – TENS work week!
Monday through Thursday with Friday's off!
(insert very big grin here)
SWEET Schedule!!!
I stated in my new place mid Sept and I LOVE IT!
Beside the awesome schedule!!... The people I am working with are the best.
I would prefer not to work at all… but since I have to work… I am so glad my employment path has led me to this point.
The difference in my daily stress now is completely different.
I went from being anxious, jumpy, sweating, heart populations… to virtually little to nothing as stess goes… pretty much now the only stress I have comes from deadlines and me wanting to do a good job all the time.
This job is by far NOT my life long hearts desire for employment... the medical field is an interesting field ... like I said much different than anything I have done before...
But for now… Until something better comes along... I am happy to go to work every day.
How is that for a rainbow ending!

To friend or de-friend...

I was looking at my friends on Facebook yesterday and I discovered that I have been defriended!!!
GASP!
Someone... friended me... and than decided they didn't want to be my friend so they simply clicked the de-friend button and puff... we are not friends any more!
Does this bother me?
No, actually I think it is kind of funny.
I mean if it were someone that I really cared about I would probably be hurt... but...
This perticular person wasn't a good friend to begin with. Facebook has made it so much easier to blow off someone without owning up to the I don't really give a crap about you, get out of my circle of friends. What I don't really understand is why do people request to be friends or accept the friends request if they don't want to be friends!?
Why waste the time?

Facebook has become larger than life! This morning on the news they were reporting it wouldn't be long until Facebook becomes a public company where shares are bought and sold. I bet the guy who invented it... had no idea how big it was going to become! Facebook has revolutionized how we interact with people. It most certainly had redefined the criteria of a friend. I have people on my friend list that are not my friends, nor do they care if I had a good day or bad. They are people I have been associated with at some time in the past... yet by clicking the accept button they are thrown into my friend list... and therefor they are called my friends. The interesting thing I have learned about some of these people how much they have figured out this thing called life... with all the real live drama that unfolds every day all around us they appear to be living the dream!!! They leave comments like, just do it, go, believe! They post about how blessed they are and how grateful they are and how brave they are.... All good mantra's yes... but really I find this to be some what meatless, some what unreal. Don't get me wrong I am all about positive attitude, silver linings and riding rainbows... but it does seem to be a bit one demensional, shallow and down right hard to beleive at times. I will say because of this interesing fact... I do shy away from posting anything about my life that falls into the crummy catagory.

Facebook has been a great place to hook up with long lost friends or friends I haven't seen in years and to stay in touch with family and friends that live far away. I also like the idea of seeing what my friendies right here in my back yard are up to. I like the playfulness of leaving messages from time to time that cause a giggle or head bob. I love the voyeurism of finding out things about people I know... things that make me go "Hmmm ... or "interesting!?" or "I knew it!" I have learned much about people I have on my friend list... way more than I would find out in an isle of WalMart with Gilda the gossip queen... way more than I probably want or should know... All simply at my finger tips and the click of a mouse.